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. Sparking Outrage since 2000 (with a few lost years in between)

Friday, October 15, 2010

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By YAMS Reporter

Wigan council have once again fuelled tension which has reached breaking point between the fans of Wigan Athletic and Wigan Worriers.

The latest round of antagonism has started after the rugby club’s first Super League title win for 12 years in an unusual row over signposts.

The local council responded to Wigan's win by putting new signs reading "Wigan Worriors Super League champions 2010" underneath "Welcome to Wigan" on three approaches to the town. However, Wigan Athletic supporters were having none of that, and harangued the council who have now been forced to replaced the old signs, which describe Wigan as "home of Premiership football and Super League rugby", underneath.

And in a further twist to the story, one of the new signs has been spray painted blue, the colours of the football club, leading to accusations of childishness by supporters of the rugby and members of the council.

"It's an absolute disgrace," unconcerned bystander, Ernie Tusk, told the Wigan Rugby Post as he was moidered mercilessly for a comment. “I blame Halfords” he said.
However, Reg “Chubbie” Arsehole, the council's head of anti-latics propaganda, said: "We are proud of the Warriors' recent success and Latics' can go and fuck themselves. We have therefore added new plates where there weren't any at all. When asked about the blue paint on his hands and shirt cuffs he muttered, “I knew I should have worn gloves before adding, can I go now because Aldi have got lard on special offer and I don’t want to miss out”.

Darren Pott-Bellie a Worriers fan from Scholes said “Them Latics men are soft cunts and they’re dead bitter and they should be in’t League 2 and they can’t fill the ground against Man Utd and they have no history and they had to name a stand after that shithole of a ground they used to play at and we’ve had 25,000 on every game this season and we own the DW Stadium and we keep Latics afloat”.

Before this reporter left Mr. Pott-Bellie went red in the face and spontaneously combusted.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Nob End Match Preview

Tactical genius and Wigan boss Roberto Martinez believes a Carling Cup win would be a real boost.

The Latics have made another inconsistent start to the Premier League season, with a number of fresh faces yet to find their feet. It has been pointed out to these players that they are the things that stick out at the bottom of their legs and are useful for kicking things between the two white posts with the bar across the top.
A dismal opening to the campaign saw them ship 10 goals in their first two fixtures, while they were also beaten 2-0 by Ciie on Sunday.

In between, they somehow managed to pick up four points from fixtures against Tottenham and Sunderland, but have been unable to replicate the standard of performance put in during those two outings.

It is up to Martinez to find an answer to the quandary, and he hopes a cup win against Preston on Wednesday could help him keep his job for a few more games. He intends to put out a much weakened team tomorrow night and still win against the inbreds from up the road.


The Spaniard said: "We didn't do too much wrong in terms of the way we conceded the goals (against Ciie). We seem to be able to get that bit right in nearly every match

"It is very important we get out on the pitch as soon as we can and practice standing around and waiting for the ball to come to us. I will not have any of my player getting into good attacking positions and running off the ball”.

"Goals really change games - more than the effects to yourself it really affects the opposition in a great manner and makes sure that they leave the DW Stadium with 3 points.

"When you are playing against world-class players they take advantage of those situations. Even the shit ones seem to manage it here as well.
"The goals were very soft and in many ways we need to work to stop them."
Dr Watson, a fan for many years said,” No shit Sherlock”.


One player who will be unable to help Wigan's cause in the immediate future is Tom Cleverley, as the on-loan Manchester United midfielder is currently nursing a knee ligament injury and thinking why the fuck did I come here.
Martinez said: "It will probably be another two weeks before I play him again. I might put him in at centre half.

"He is a strong, fit boy and Maurice will probably take a shine to him on Wednesday evening.

Of the 3-0 last round victory against Hartlepool, Martinez commented, “ I wish we could play lower league opposition every week.

Celebrity Hartlepool supporter Jeff Stelling said, “You might get your wish sooner than you think Roberto” and added, “ Rachel, put that vowel down and bend over this desk”.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Hundreds of copies of Dave Whelan's autobiography 'Playing to Win' will be burned on a patch of land by a rundown shed near the DW stadium on Saturday on the first anniversary of the books release in spite of calls to desist yesterday from Whelco Ltd, Wigan Athletic and DW Sports.

The book is seen as a cult classic amongst the 4 people that have bought it since its release a year ago.

"We are pretty much set on it right now," insisted Pastor Tom Gore, of YAMS church, Platt Bridge. He plans to stage what he is calling "International Burn-A-Whelan book Day". He and the senior pastor at the church, Terry F Fuckwit, insisted they would not suspend the event even if called to do so "by God himself" Mr Whelan.

The campaign against YAMS, which has a congregation of only about 5, to change course continued to mount. The Premier League issued a statement calling the planned incineration "outrageous and grave". Mr Gore said he had received more than 100 death threats, and he and his associates had now taken to wearing gat guns in holsters.

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, said that he fully supported the message released by his counterparts at the Premier League. On Thursday at DW Sports gyms across the country, hundreds of employees, after being threatened they wouldn't be paid, demonstrated against the planned book-burning, chanting "Death to YAMS."

Mr Gore said the books destined for the bonfire were mostly taken from the skips at the back of Waterstones or have been sent in by people disgusted with the book who are supporting the stunt.

As for moving forward with the torching in the face of so much opposition, he said "we feel very strongly about the message and we do have a couple of supporters who get what we are doing, people who know what we know in our hearts that this is right and that somebody has to speak out."

The purpose, Mr Gore explained, was to force Wiganers to "seek the truth" about Whelan and his writings and "do it right now".

"We believe that Mr Whelan is dangerous. We have seen that throughout the decades and we see that in his book. Our message is not against Wiganers. It is against the piece of fiction written by Mr Whelan. The book made no mention whatsoever of the murdering of Duncan Sharpe, his son Paul the smackhead and the harem of whores he's been shagging in Barbados for years"

It is not just football chiefs speaking out against the planned burning. Sporting leaders from all over the UK have also coalesced to condemn it.

Michael Maguire, coach of the Wigan Sumo Wrestling team, called YAMS "a tiny, fringe group and an embarrassment to our community. "They are opposed to the true character of Wiganers," he said on his Twatter site.

Mr Gore tonight stated that the burning would not be put off or scrapped. "If this one is successful, we will hold another in winter and pipe the heat into the DW pitches undersoil system. This way Mr Whelan will no longer have to worry about canceled fixtures due to being too fucking stingy to turn the heating on.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Whelan issues statement to deny 'Gay' rumours

DW Sports chief Dave Whelan said today his decision to publicly deny speculation about a gay affair with an aide was "not an easy thing to do". 

Revealing the frustration he felt, Mr Whelan said he and his wife Pat had "had enough" and decided to "put the record straight" about the rumours which had been circulating, particularly on an obscene internet site.
The Robin Park club said that Mr Whelan continued to enjoy the "100% support" of all his employees and anyone who owed him money.

In a frank statement issued yesterday Mr Whelan denied having had an "improper" relationship with special adviser Maurice Lindsay and insisted “I’m a proper bloke me, I mean I’ve been shagging Brenda for 20 years at Charnock Richard Hotel”. 

Mr Lindsay quit his post as special adviser, citing the lack of opportunities to fleece Wigan Athletic any longer. 

In a press conference at the DW Stadium, Mr Whelan said his former aide was "someone who is rather fed up of Latics fans, and who can blame him?". 

Mr Lindsay told Sly News he "categorically denied" the allegations about an improper relationship with Mr Whelan stating his arse is far too saggy for my liking. 

The former JJB supremo insisted he had no more to add to his statement yesterday, but couldn’t resist saying something else to make himself look a cunt.

"My wife and I really felt we had had enough of the circulation of untrue allegations, particularly on the internet, and at some point you have to speak out about that and put the record straight.  If those responsible don’t stop then I will quit Wigan Athletic" 

A recently retired spokeswoman said: "We have always given David our 100% support. It’s that or the sack.

Mr Lindsay, 85, was employed by Mr Whelan during the Premier League campaigns as an unpopular board member and had “a couple of turnstiles” reported to be worth £5,000 per game. 

Mr Whelan admitted to "occasionally" sharing hotel rooms with Mr Lindsay because he is a stingy fucker who counts the number of sheets on a bog roll.

He added: "It wasn’t us who nicked the towels and soap”. 

Mr. Lindsay has now relocated to the apprentices changing room at Preston Nob End.

YAMS offer N'Zogbia Duvet Set, exclusive to this website

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Paul Scharner to West Bromwich Albion

West Bromwich Albion have wrapped up the signing of former Wigan Athletic star Paul Scharner on a free transfer.

The deluded 30-year-old confirmed he has agreed to join the huge club and the former Austria international was at Anfield on Sunday to watch the Baggies edge one step nearer to relegation after getting done 1-0 by Liverpool.

Reports from Austria claim the utility man has signed a two-year contract worth more than £30,000-a-week, making Scharner one of the biggest earners in Baggies history if confirmed.

The reports also claim the contract will include a ‘get-out clause’ allowing Scharner to leave next summer on a free transfer – but only to one of seven specified clubs including Barcelona, Inter Milan and Manchester United.
And Scharner, who became frustrated by being used as a centre-back by Wigan, said the chance to play in midfield had helped lure him to The Hawthorns in a deal that represents a major coup for the Baggies because no-one else in the Premier League wanted him.

“I have got from Roberto Di Matteo, the coach, the chance to prove myself in midfield,” said the 6ft 4in player, who was linked with moves every Premier League club following his decision to leave Wigan at the end of last season.

Di Matteo also confirmed Scharner would be Albion’s final signing of the summer transfer window and added: “We’ve got loads of hair dye and shaving stuff in ready for the weird cunts arrival."

West Brom chief Dan Ashworth has been spotted today at Comet in Sandwell buying a Hoover with built in attachments.

Meanwhile, Scharner’s agent, Dave from Skem claims this is the right move for the player insisting that West Brom are a massive club compared to little Wigan. He said: “I have my ear to the ground and have loads of contacts because I'm a really big man and very important and the word on the street is you are in heavy shit. I'm mad as a twat me."

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Charles N’Zogbia Interview

Following on from the Points deduction article YAMS would like to introduce our new football reporter Bwian Weed who is claiming to be a very close relative of the Scouse cunt from the Mirror.  In his first piece for Wigan’s favourite obscene website he interviews want-away winger, Charles N’Zogbia.....

BW: Why do you want to leave Wigan so bad lar? Is it because they get low crowds and have no right to be in the Premier League?

CN: Well I want to pay for a beeg club who will pay me beeg monies

BW: But you did play for a big club when you were at Newcastle you soft melt.

CN: Yes but they not pay me beeg monies and Roy Kinnell call me nasty name and I was notappy. What is melt?

BW: Never mind about that. When you get a move to a big club, will you settle down eh eh?

CN: No I will want to leave straayt away and go to even beeger club who will pay me massive monies than the last lot, after all, I am Charles N’Zogbia.

BW: Do you think you will eventually end up at Chelsea or Liverpool who have loads of tradition not like Wigan?

CN: It is inevitable

BW: So this will be the pinnacle of your career, you will have reached the top and bought an ‘ouse in Freshfields

CN: No, I will want to go to even beeger club who will pay me even beeg monies.

BW: But you don’t get bigger clubs than those two, how will you top that?

CN: I will make new club, FC Charles N’Zogbia and have myself clone like Dolly the Shep. Chairman will be Charles N’Zogbia, manager will be Charles N’Zogbia and all players will be Charles N’Zogbia.  Team will play at CN Stadium. I will then want to move to even beeg club with hooge wayges.

BW: Sorry you’re doin’ me ‘ead in now, how can you do that?

CN: I have row with chairman and manager and fall out with all players until it impossible for me to stay.

BW: But there’s nowhere else to go

CN: Yes, I can go to Sunnerlan who are beegest of all an promise me load of money and a Peugeot 806 with dark windows, well that what Stevie Brucie tell me last week when I meet him at Scotch Corner. He say Muckleesh is tight fist Scotch twat. I go now, that be £10,000 for my time.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


YAMS can today exclusively reveal that Preston North End cunt, Maurice Lindsay has left the UK for San Jose in Chile.

Whilst looking for him to hear his reaction to yesterdays Carling Cup draw, YAMS discovered Lindsay at Manchester airport being questioned by Customs for a large tub of lube he was attempting to smuggle onto his flight.

"I hear there are several trapped and helpless minors" said Lindsay when questioned by YAMS.

Lindsey has a history of overseas trips to search out minors to groom. His most successful trips were to Australia in the 80's and 90's where hundreds of young Aussie boys were raped in a highly productive period for Mo.

"What excites me most about this" said the Nob end leech "is that from what I've read in the papers, the minors are desperate for someone to go down their shaft. They've been waiting for someone to do it for a couple of weeks now, they must be gagging for it. I'm more than happy to oblige. I'll let them go up and down my shaft as well if they're lucky."

YAMS then broke the sad news to Lindsay that it wasn't a group of young boys looking for sex but actually a new series of Chilean Big Brother.

"Oh I see" minced Lindsay as he looked at our video footage of the Reality TV contestants. "They're a bit old for me really but the site of their topless hot sweaty bodies is giving me a hard on so I'm going over regardless. I hear the age of consent is 12 over there anyway. Not as though age of consent has ever stopped me before LOL"

Preston North End were unavailable for comment as YAMS went to press as they were too busy crying about Manchester nicking the football museum.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Wigan Athletic were today deducted 3 points from the Premier League following the number of fans they took to White Hart Lane. The BBC, Brian Reade and fans of other massive clubs who deserve Premier League status such as Leeds, Sheffield Wednesday and Southampton were outraged that less than 100 made the long expensive trek down to London.

"Its an absolute disgrace" said Scouse cunt Brian Reade. "It's well know that League positions have long been decided on size of crowds. Wigan Athletic are clearly flaunting this rule"

Tottenham fans were just as irate. "They bring down a handful of fans and even have the cheek to outsing us through the entire match."

The Premier League agreed with the sentiments handed out to the relatively new football league club that has increased its average gate by more than 1000% in the last 15 years.

"We cannot have teams moving up the Premier League table if they don't have the fan numbers to back it up. It is simply unacceptable. We are considering changing the entire football league structure around and awarding points for how many fans turn up rather than the silly notion of who scores most goals.
Wimbledon were the last team to try and pull a stunt like Wigan are now and that was something they lived to regret. Our laws clearly state that any team attempting to circumvent Premier Leagues rules by going under the EPL fan threshold will have their entire football league histories wiped from the record books, their name scraped off any trophies they may have won and their club closed down and replaced by a new town with loads of roundabouts. If Wigan Athletic aren't careful we will be replacing them with Skelmersdale Tics"

Graeme Jones said "If one more person mentions crowd size I'll fucking nut them"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Police investigate Oldham Athletic Boundary Park fire

An investigation is under way into a suspected arson attack at Oldham Athletic's Boundary Park stadium.

A disabled seating area and the Corner Flag suite at the ground were badly damaged by the fire on Sunday evening.

CCTV showing two elderly men who entered the ground before the fire has been released by police in the town.

Club officials said repairs would cost an estimated £40,000 and they now face a race to get the stadium ready for Yeovil Town's visit on Saturday.

Scenes of crime officers and fire investigators spent the evening at Boundary Park following the fire at 1730 BST.

Police said the two elderly men were spotted scaling a fence into the ground at about 1715 BST, minutes before a wooden pallet was set alight in the stand.

Detective Inspector Don Beech, of Greater Manchester Police, said: "While nobody was in the ground at the time, whoever lit this fire was reckless and had no regard for the fans whose enjoyment of the football will be ruined by this.

"I'd ask people to take a good look at these images and if you recognise either of these people, please contact me. We have our suspicions. These men are likely to be responsible for a series of insurance jobs all over the North West dating back to the fire at Orrell Rugby Union in 2002."

cctv footage of the 2002 Orrell RU fire

The first firefighter on the scene Fireman Sam said: "It's very disappointing.

"We'd have put the fire out sooner but we couldn't get the truck anywhere near the ground because of a helicopter parked in the way."

Eyewitness Davey Whelan was first to comment. "It just shot up in flames" he said as he kicked an empty petrol can in the bushes. "It's a pity the bugger didn't carry on burning for longer, I own some of the surrounding land here, a gym would have looked great"

The first man is described as white, aged between 70 and 75, with a perfectly spherical bright red face.

The second is also described as white, around the same age, with short fair hair and a whiff of lavender. He was wearing a pink Liberace style number and walked with a slight mince.

Both left the ground shortly after the fire took hold. Investigations are continuing.

Whelan concerned about crowds

By YAMS Staff Reporter

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan is more concerned about poor attendances than he is about his side's poor start to the season.

Just over 150 fans travelled to Hartlepool on a filthy August night as Wigan somehow managed a 0-3 victory just three days after getting twatted by Chelsea.

"It was very disappointing," Whelan told Sly Sports News. "I know it was Tuesday night because I looked at the calendar just before kick off but 150 is a pretty shit following.

"We've come a long way in a short time. I asked the coach driver to put his foot down.

Whelan claims he is not altogether surprised Wigan have suffered such a poor start - and gave his full backing to boss Roberto Martinez.

"We played shite in the first half on Tuesday but managed to kill off a team two divisions below us in the second. We know we're in for a fight this season.

"Roberto is a very good manager. Because we beat Hartlepool I’ve given him another two years on his contract.

"Roberto is working for the long term.

"When you lose against Blackpool and play poorly, you get letters from fans saying sack the manager. But Roberto is here for the long term even if we’re in League 2 in a few years."

Meanwhile, Whelan confirmed Wigan are prepared to let France winger Charles N'Zogbia go if they receive an offer they deem acceptable.

"It depends if anyone comes in and offers the right money," he said. "If we get the right offer, he can fuck off now we’ve got that lad from Chelsea on loan and for bugger all wages.

"His agent was very nice about it all and understood where we were coming from once I threatened to have his legs broken."

Monday, August 23, 2010

YAMS Returns

Hello cunts. It's been a while. Five fucking years since the last bastard site update in fact. Ten years since the first launch of YAMS, can you bastarding well believe that?

It was easier to write when things were going bad. As everything started to go our way there was nothing to fucking whinge about so the site suffered. I then got a new job and became a soft cunt worring about getting fired if all the fucking lawyers letters eventually led to anything worse.

Things have now changed. Being out of work has suddenly led to me not giving a flying shit about anything anymore. There may be no more John Cancer Benson, Brenda 'electric chair' Spencer or Maurice fucking Lindsey but there's a whole fucking barrel full of other absolute cunts to rip the piss out of all over the fucking overrated pile of shite of a league we now find ourselves in.

I might be a lot older, fatter and greyer now but you'll be glad to know I haven't fucking grown up.

Hope to see a few of you back on here, and as always contributions are more than welcome. Until then I'll see what I can rake up myself and will be dredging up some old articles every now and again, possibly even ripping some of them off and passing them off as new stories.

Just remember kids, swearing is still big and clever.