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Friday, October 15, 2010

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By YAMS Reporter

Wigan council have once again fuelled tension which has reached breaking point between the fans of Wigan Athletic and Wigan Worriers.

The latest round of antagonism has started after the rugby club’s first Super League title win for 12 years in an unusual row over signposts.

The local council responded to Wigan's win by putting new signs reading "Wigan Worriors Super League champions 2010" underneath "Welcome to Wigan" on three approaches to the town. However, Wigan Athletic supporters were having none of that, and harangued the council who have now been forced to replaced the old signs, which describe Wigan as "home of Premiership football and Super League rugby", underneath.

And in a further twist to the story, one of the new signs has been spray painted blue, the colours of the football club, leading to accusations of childishness by supporters of the rugby and members of the council.

"It's an absolute disgrace," unconcerned bystander, Ernie Tusk, told the Wigan Rugby Post as he was moidered mercilessly for a comment. “I blame Halfords” he said.
However, Reg “Chubbie” Arsehole, the council's head of anti-latics propaganda, said: "We are proud of the Warriors' recent success and Latics' can go and fuck themselves. We have therefore added new plates where there weren't any at all. When asked about the blue paint on his hands and shirt cuffs he muttered, “I knew I should have worn gloves before adding, can I go now because Aldi have got lard on special offer and I don’t want to miss out”.

Darren Pott-Bellie a Worriers fan from Scholes said “Them Latics men are soft cunts and they’re dead bitter and they should be in’t League 2 and they can’t fill the ground against Man Utd and they have no history and they had to name a stand after that shithole of a ground they used to play at and we’ve had 25,000 on every game this season and we own the DW Stadium and we keep Latics afloat”.

Before this reporter left Mr. Pott-Bellie went red in the face and spontaneously combusted.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Nob End Match Preview

Tactical genius and Wigan boss Roberto Martinez believes a Carling Cup win would be a real boost.

The Latics have made another inconsistent start to the Premier League season, with a number of fresh faces yet to find their feet. It has been pointed out to these players that they are the things that stick out at the bottom of their legs and are useful for kicking things between the two white posts with the bar across the top.
A dismal opening to the campaign saw them ship 10 goals in their first two fixtures, while they were also beaten 2-0 by Ciie on Sunday.

In between, they somehow managed to pick up four points from fixtures against Tottenham and Sunderland, but have been unable to replicate the standard of performance put in during those two outings.

It is up to Martinez to find an answer to the quandary, and he hopes a cup win against Preston on Wednesday could help him keep his job for a few more games. He intends to put out a much weakened team tomorrow night and still win against the inbreds from up the road.


The Spaniard said: "We didn't do too much wrong in terms of the way we conceded the goals (against Ciie). We seem to be able to get that bit right in nearly every match

"It is very important we get out on the pitch as soon as we can and practice standing around and waiting for the ball to come to us. I will not have any of my player getting into good attacking positions and running off the ball”.

"Goals really change games - more than the effects to yourself it really affects the opposition in a great manner and makes sure that they leave the DW Stadium with 3 points.

"When you are playing against world-class players they take advantage of those situations. Even the shit ones seem to manage it here as well.
"The goals were very soft and in many ways we need to work to stop them."
Dr Watson, a fan for many years said,” No shit Sherlock”.


One player who will be unable to help Wigan's cause in the immediate future is Tom Cleverley, as the on-loan Manchester United midfielder is currently nursing a knee ligament injury and thinking why the fuck did I come here.
Martinez said: "It will probably be another two weeks before I play him again. I might put him in at centre half.

"He is a strong, fit boy and Maurice will probably take a shine to him on Wednesday evening.

Of the 3-0 last round victory against Hartlepool, Martinez commented, “ I wish we could play lower league opposition every week.

Celebrity Hartlepool supporter Jeff Stelling said, “You might get your wish sooner than you think Roberto” and added, “ Rachel, put that vowel down and bend over this desk”.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Hundreds of copies of Dave Whelan's autobiography 'Playing to Win' will be burned on a patch of land by a rundown shed near the DW stadium on Saturday on the first anniversary of the books release in spite of calls to desist yesterday from Whelco Ltd, Wigan Athletic and DW Sports.

The book is seen as a cult classic amongst the 4 people that have bought it since its release a year ago.

"We are pretty much set on it right now," insisted Pastor Tom Gore, of YAMS church, Platt Bridge. He plans to stage what he is calling "International Burn-A-Whelan book Day". He and the senior pastor at the church, Terry F Fuckwit, insisted they would not suspend the event even if called to do so "by God himself" Mr Whelan.

The campaign against YAMS, which has a congregation of only about 5, to change course continued to mount. The Premier League issued a statement calling the planned incineration "outrageous and grave". Mr Gore said he had received more than 100 death threats, and he and his associates had now taken to wearing gat guns in holsters.

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, said that he fully supported the message released by his counterparts at the Premier League. On Thursday at DW Sports gyms across the country, hundreds of employees, after being threatened they wouldn't be paid, demonstrated against the planned book-burning, chanting "Death to YAMS."

Mr Gore said the books destined for the bonfire were mostly taken from the skips at the back of Waterstones or have been sent in by people disgusted with the book who are supporting the stunt.

As for moving forward with the torching in the face of so much opposition, he said "we feel very strongly about the message and we do have a couple of supporters who get what we are doing, people who know what we know in our hearts that this is right and that somebody has to speak out."

The purpose, Mr Gore explained, was to force Wiganers to "seek the truth" about Whelan and his writings and "do it right now".

"We believe that Mr Whelan is dangerous. We have seen that throughout the decades and we see that in his book. Our message is not against Wiganers. It is against the piece of fiction written by Mr Whelan. The book made no mention whatsoever of the murdering of Duncan Sharpe, his son Paul the smackhead and the harem of whores he's been shagging in Barbados for years"

It is not just football chiefs speaking out against the planned burning. Sporting leaders from all over the UK have also coalesced to condemn it.

Michael Maguire, coach of the Wigan Sumo Wrestling team, called YAMS "a tiny, fringe group and an embarrassment to our community. "They are opposed to the true character of Wiganers," he said on his Twatter site.

Mr Gore tonight stated that the burning would not be put off or scrapped. "If this one is successful, we will hold another in winter and pipe the heat into the DW pitches undersoil system. This way Mr Whelan will no longer have to worry about canceled fixtures due to being too fucking stingy to turn the heating on.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Whelan issues statement to deny 'Gay' rumours

DW Sports chief Dave Whelan said today his decision to publicly deny speculation about a gay affair with an aide was "not an easy thing to do". 

Revealing the frustration he felt, Mr Whelan said he and his wife Pat had "had enough" and decided to "put the record straight" about the rumours which had been circulating, particularly on an obscene internet site.
The Robin Park club said that Mr Whelan continued to enjoy the "100% support" of all his employees and anyone who owed him money.

In a frank statement issued yesterday Mr Whelan denied having had an "improper" relationship with special adviser Maurice Lindsay and insisted “I’m a proper bloke me, I mean I’ve been shagging Brenda for 20 years at Charnock Richard Hotel”. 

Mr Lindsay quit his post as special adviser, citing the lack of opportunities to fleece Wigan Athletic any longer. 

In a press conference at the DW Stadium, Mr Whelan said his former aide was "someone who is rather fed up of Latics fans, and who can blame him?". 

Mr Lindsay told Sly News he "categorically denied" the allegations about an improper relationship with Mr Whelan stating his arse is far too saggy for my liking. 

The former JJB supremo insisted he had no more to add to his statement yesterday, but couldn’t resist saying something else to make himself look a cunt.

"My wife and I really felt we had had enough of the circulation of untrue allegations, particularly on the internet, and at some point you have to speak out about that and put the record straight.  If those responsible don’t stop then I will quit Wigan Athletic" 

A recently retired spokeswoman said: "We have always given David our 100% support. It’s that or the sack.

Mr Lindsay, 85, was employed by Mr Whelan during the Premier League campaigns as an unpopular board member and had “a couple of turnstiles” reported to be worth £5,000 per game. 

Mr Whelan admitted to "occasionally" sharing hotel rooms with Mr Lindsay because he is a stingy fucker who counts the number of sheets on a bog roll.

He added: "It wasn’t us who nicked the towels and soap”. 

Mr. Lindsay has now relocated to the apprentices changing room at Preston Nob End.

YAMS offer N'Zogbia Duvet Set, exclusive to this website

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Paul Scharner to West Bromwich Albion

West Bromwich Albion have wrapped up the signing of former Wigan Athletic star Paul Scharner on a free transfer.

The deluded 30-year-old confirmed he has agreed to join the huge club and the former Austria international was at Anfield on Sunday to watch the Baggies edge one step nearer to relegation after getting done 1-0 by Liverpool.

Reports from Austria claim the utility man has signed a two-year contract worth more than £30,000-a-week, making Scharner one of the biggest earners in Baggies history if confirmed.

The reports also claim the contract will include a ‘get-out clause’ allowing Scharner to leave next summer on a free transfer – but only to one of seven specified clubs including Barcelona, Inter Milan and Manchester United.
And Scharner, who became frustrated by being used as a centre-back by Wigan, said the chance to play in midfield had helped lure him to The Hawthorns in a deal that represents a major coup for the Baggies because no-one else in the Premier League wanted him.

“I have got from Roberto Di Matteo, the coach, the chance to prove myself in midfield,” said the 6ft 4in player, who was linked with moves every Premier League club following his decision to leave Wigan at the end of last season.

Di Matteo also confirmed Scharner would be Albion’s final signing of the summer transfer window and added: “We’ve got loads of hair dye and shaving stuff in ready for the weird cunts arrival."

West Brom chief Dan Ashworth has been spotted today at Comet in Sandwell buying a Hoover with built in attachments.

Meanwhile, Scharner’s agent, Dave from Skem claims this is the right move for the player insisting that West Brom are a massive club compared to little Wigan. He said: “I have my ear to the ground and have loads of contacts because I'm a really big man and very important and the word on the street is you are in heavy shit. I'm mad as a twat me."

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Charles N’Zogbia Interview

Following on from the Points deduction article YAMS would like to introduce our new football reporter Bwian Weed who is claiming to be a very close relative of the Scouse cunt from the Mirror.  In his first piece for Wigan’s favourite obscene website he interviews want-away winger, Charles N’Zogbia.....

BW: Why do you want to leave Wigan so bad lar? Is it because they get low crowds and have no right to be in the Premier League?

CN: Well I want to pay for a beeg club who will pay me beeg monies

BW: But you did play for a big club when you were at Newcastle you soft melt.

CN: Yes but they not pay me beeg monies and Roy Kinnell call me nasty name and I was notappy. What is melt?

BW: Never mind about that. When you get a move to a big club, will you settle down eh eh?

CN: No I will want to leave straayt away and go to even beeger club who will pay me massive monies than the last lot, after all, I am Charles N’Zogbia.

BW: Do you think you will eventually end up at Chelsea or Liverpool who have loads of tradition not like Wigan?

CN: It is inevitable

BW: So this will be the pinnacle of your career, you will have reached the top and bought an ‘ouse in Freshfields

CN: No, I will want to go to even beeger club who will pay me even beeg monies.

BW: But you don’t get bigger clubs than those two, how will you top that?

CN: I will make new club, FC Charles N’Zogbia and have myself clone like Dolly the Shep. Chairman will be Charles N’Zogbia, manager will be Charles N’Zogbia and all players will be Charles N’Zogbia.  Team will play at CN Stadium. I will then want to move to even beeg club with hooge wayges.

BW: Sorry you’re doin’ me ‘ead in now, how can you do that?

CN: I have row with chairman and manager and fall out with all players until it impossible for me to stay.

BW: But there’s nowhere else to go

CN: Yes, I can go to Sunnerlan who are beegest of all an promise me load of money and a Peugeot 806 with dark windows, well that what Stevie Brucie tell me last week when I meet him at Scotch Corner. He say Muckleesh is tight fist Scotch twat. I go now, that be £10,000 for my time.